For many years now the premillennialists have been exciting and titillating religious enthusiasts with visions of “the rapture.” Cars have sported bumper stickers with such sayings as: “In case of the rapture, this car will be driverless.” Books have been written describing this so-called event with descriptions such as:
The star running back of Buchanan High School is running toward the endzone for the winning touchdown. As he crosses the five yard line, he disappears, and the ball falls to the ground! The fans who were shouting and yelling are stunned in amazement. A bus is crossing a bridge with fifteen passengers aboard when suddenly the driver vanishes. An evening concert is instantly disrupted when several musicians are suddenly gone–right in the middle of a performance.
Someone has even made a movie to this effect, touting the glories of “the rapture.” Those who believe in this interpretation of eschatology (the doctrine of “end times”) are nearly excessively enthusiastic about it.
For years, however, churches of Christ have opposed this doctrine as unbiblical. We have pointed out innumerable times that Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world” (John 18:36), but to no avail. Premillennial enthusiasts will not consider the facts dispassionately. Exciting error is preferred over pristine truth.
Since years of preaching and teaching on the subject have not done any good, it’s time to just leave these premillennial views alone. Since they refuse to renounce them, why not take advantage of the situation by offering premillennial devotees a brand new product?
Available now for the first time, from the Deserted Earth Insurance Company, is “Rapture” Insurance. Yes, friends and neighbors, while you’re rejoicing throughout the heavens your exciting new life, who will be left back on earth to take care of your loved ones? The “rapture” scenario is all well and good for those who have swiftly ascended. But what about everyone that has been left behind? You simply must plan for all possible contingencies.
“Rapture” Insurance will take care of your family when you are no longer around. Suppose your unbelieving grandparents are left behind while the rest of the family ascends into the heavens. Who will take care of them? Your “rapture” insurance policy will. They will receive an amount equal to their social security for the rest of their lives. Won’t you feel much better, knowing that your loved ones have been provided for?
Then there are your children. How will they be able to get a decent college education? The cost of living may soar throughout the “tribulation” period. How will they survive? Deserted Earth will set aside half of your current salary to be used by them, if you can find an unbeliever you trust to be executor of these funds. Their support will be indexed to inflation, and all their college tuition and school supplies will be paid.
Then there is the worst prospect of all–if you are “raptured.” We are living in a litigious age; what will your family do if a lawsuit is filed against them? Let’s say you were driving that bus when you were raptured. The fifteen people aboard plunge into the river below.
Twelve die, and the other three require hospitalization. What do you think the families of the victims will do? Chances are, since they have remained on earth, they are not religious and will not buy that “rapture” bit. They will sue the bus company, sure, but then they will go after you personally. But since you are gone, they will haul your family into court. They will argue that you jumped out of the bus while it was in motion, endangering the lives of your passengers. Since you deserted your post, they will sue you for dereliction of duty. How will your family survive this scandal?
No problem. Your “rapture” insurance will cover all possible lawsuits. In the event you are sued in absentia (and you lose), we will pay the court costs and whatever judgments are rendered against you. Men, you don’t want your wife and children to be homeless, do you? Women, can your husband fend for himself? Our insurance policy covers all possible eventualities.
We know what you’re saying. “But I’m not a bus driver; I don’t need this insurance.” Without meaning to be offensive, we simply must say, “Don’t be so short-sighted.” You could be in your car–on your way to work or going shopping at the mall. Suddenly you’re raptured right out of the front seat of your vehicle. Your car may veer into another lane of traffic; it might be hit from behind, due to the slower speed. If the car continues straight ahead while the road is curving, there will be a crash–and a subsequent lawsuit. It will be claimed that you left the scene of an accident. Again, your family will be in jeopardy.
BUT YOU CAN AVOID ALL THIS WITH “RAPTURE” INSURANCE! “Sounds good,” you say, “But how much will all of this protection cost?” Would you pay $100 a month for coverage this good? How about $50? Would believe $25? Have we got a bargain for you?! You can have these extraordinary benefits for only $10 per month. That’s right–only ten dollars per month. Your cable TV costs twice that; so don’t tell us you can’t afford it.
You’re probably wondering how Deserted Earth can offer such a deal. “Hah!” you say. “They’re probably all planning on being raptured, too; so they won’t be around to pay up.” No, no, no. You have it just backwards. We can offer this deal at such a good price precisely because we don’t believe in the “rapture.” We think it is a false doctrine and that your interpretation of the Scriptures is totally erroneous. We don’t expect to ever have to pay a single claim.
In other words, we plan on making money if your theology is wrong. If, however, you are the ones who are correct, your loved ones are the ones who will profit, and we will be paying out fortunes. See how much doctrinal discussion this will eliminate. See how many debates and arguments over this topic can be avoided. We’ll just put our money where our theology is.
We know what you are thinking. You’re saying to yourselves, “What if my religious doctrine is incorrect? Then I’m wasting all that money.” Oh, come on. How can you even say that? Hasn’t Billy Graham assured you of the truth of this teaching? Haven’t Hal Lindsey’s many books convinced you of anything? Quit being so wishy-washy. Why, if these noble preachers and writers were wrong about the “rapture,” they might be wrong about being saved by “faith only” too. Are you really willing to entertain such an unthinkable idea?
Of course, some of you are very pragmatic, and you’re not willing to let this issue be decided on theology alone. After all, money is involved. How can cold cash compare with faith and doctrine? Or maybe you simply choose to backslide, in which case you would be left out.
Okay, we’ve thought of that. We have already put some extra clauses into the policy. To wit, if the “rapture” occurs and you were excluded (regardless of the reason), half of your premiums will be returned to you. Of course, the burden of proof is upon you to prove that the rapture occurred. Also, if no rapture occurs within a 20-year period of your taking out this policy, half of your premiums will be returned.
What have you got to lose? If you’re raptured, you’re covered. If you’re not, you get half of your money back. What a deal! Certainly no other insurance company can offer you such a policy. Remember our motto: Heavenly insurance at affordable, earthly prices. If you desire this coverage, e-mail the Deserted Earth Insurance Company at pearl_street@spiritualperspectives.org. You cannot be turned down for any reason–even if you think the rapture will occur next week.
Come on, now, how much longer can it be? Hal Lindsey initially indicated 1988 (40 years after Israelites were allowed to return to their homeland). And don’t you remember that popular book, 88 Reasons Why the Rapture Could Be in ’88? Here it is–almost ten years later. If it was near then, how much nearer is it now? And you haven’t had any protection–until now. Don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers.
Hostilities are escalating in the Middle East, and even the Disney folks have a homosexual agenda. What do you need: skywriting that says, “There are only 30 days left”? Don’t be a chump. Buy it now. As an extra bonus, if we don’t have to pay any money against your account when you’re “raptured,” you can get a full refund when you come back to rule on the earth during the millennium. Nobody but DEIC would be crazy enough to make this offer.
As a special signup bonus, we will include a free tract when we send you your policy, entitled “The Second Coming of Christ.” No one will call on you. Don’t put it off. Have peace of mind today.
*Send comments or questions concerning this article to Gary Summers. Please refer to this article as: “‘RAPTURE’ INSURANCE (9/21/97).”